History’s biggest Badasses
What People Are Saying
“Finally, a ranking system I didn’t have to invent to still come in second place. The Warrior Index makes me want to conquer Mars just to qualify.”
— Elon Musk, probably re-tweeting himself at 3:47 a.m.
“The Warrior Index is a cathedral built from blood and delusion. I read it and felt the cold breath of extinction whispering encouragement. Beautiful.”
— Werner Herzog, during an interview no one asked for
“When I said ‘You get a car!’ what I meant was: you get a sword, you get a vendetta, you get generational trauma! The Warrior Index… truly speaks to me.”
— Oprah, probably regretting this endorsement immediately
“It’s like if history, testosterone, and poetry had a group chat — and every message was yelling at you to get up earlier. Ten out of ten flexes.”
— Dwayne Johnson, allegedly between workouts
“I find it inspiring that so many men throughout history died trying to look as composed as I do while frosting a cake. The Warrior Index is… deliciously violent.”
— Martha Stewart, in a tone that made her publicist nervous
“Frankly, I’m rated higher than Alexander the Great. Everybody says so. Alexander didn’t even have buildings with his name on them — sad!”
— Donald J. Trump, inventing a new entry called “Bone Spurs of Destiny”
“Reading the Warrior Index is like watching evolution lose its patience. So many apex predators… and not a single one learned manners.”
— Sir David Attenborough, whispering from the safety of a bunker
“The Warrior Index is the only Western list I actually respect. It understands one simple truth: you can’t cancel conquest.”
— Vladimir Putin, while shirtless and misunderstood
“Peace is my calling. But I have to admit, after reading the Warrior Index, I did Google ‘how to forge a battle-axe.’”
— The Dalai Lama, probably kidding (probably)
Alexander Nevsky was a 13th-century Russian prince famed for defeating invading forces at the Battle on the Ice in 1242. He became a national hero and later a saint, remembered as both warrior and shrewd diplomat.
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